So if you read my post from last night, here’s the follow-up!
Today at the meet, I came with a positive attitude. I just truly was so happy and excited to run. I laughed and smiled and was just so pumped. I told everyone I was going to PR. Even my coach. So I got ready for the mile.
The gun went off. I ran for me, I ran because I love it; I ran to a better future, a better outlook, a change. And something did change inside of me. I started too fast (always do that) and my first 3 laps were really strong. I was like 4th or 5th for 3 laps. I don’t even remember the last lap, but I know I was passed by 2 or 3 girls. I ended up getting 7th I think. My time was a 6:16, which is 3 seconds slower than my PR from this season; 10 seconds slower from my PR from last year.
But you know what.. I gave it my all. I wanted it. and i went for it. I enjoyed racing for the first time in ages. I truly enjoyed it. I remember my boyfriend cheering, my teammates cheering, my brother cheering. So many people wanted me to do good. And I was happy with this race.. when i finished, i was not happy at all. but now I am because I really did put it all out there.
For my 4 by 4, I was the second leg. For that, my PR is a 1:10. I felt really sick before it for some reason. But I ended up running a 1:12. So only 2 seconds off. Actually, if it’s a relay and I started in a lane and at the exchange zone, did that mean i actually went further? so my time might have actually be like 1:11 or something? no idea haha
Anyway, this was a good day. I feel like myself again. I went out there to put the past behind me, and I think I did just that.
So I feel like this is worth sharing and I want to make a promise to myself.
Around December or so, I started becoming sad sometimes. For no reason most of the time.. I would mope around. It wasn’t like a normal sad; it was a mix of mental and physical exhaustion, a sense of emptiness, a feeling of not knowing how to help my friends, not knowing how to help myself in all I wanted to achieve. It started becoming worse and worse. Some days I would just secretly break down. No one knew about this except my boyfriend, and I’m glad I told him because he always helped me through it. Eventually, I had no reason to be sad anymore; but it kept striking me. I was taking the sadness of my friends, my family, situations; and making them my own sadness. Around March, I finally just broke down completely, and basically became a zombie. One of those people who gives fake smiles. My group of friends had a ton of drama, and it was killing me to see them go. My sadness got to the point where I would feel hopeless.
But then one day, I realized something. I was running actually. I think God sent me a message through the wind, through the sun. I smiled. I realized, I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to live my life like this. I chose to change myself.
Afterwards, I shared the revelation with my boyfriend. He called me, and he talked for an hour straight.. he had been thinking about why I was always sad. He made me realize that I never considered what I do for anyone good enough. I always thought I had to fix everyone and everything. If my friend was going through a rough time, I wanted to fix it for them. Of course, thats way beyond my control. But I never realized that before. He made me realize. I can’t help everyone, I can’t do everything. Also, I was bottling up my emotions for years; I never cried, I never screamed, I always let things slide when people didn’t treat me right. And those were the things truly driving me crazy, making me sad. I don’t know how he figured it out, and this is going to sound extremely cheesey, but I think God put him in my life for a reason at that very moment. He helped me change my outlook, he helped me become me again.
I’m writing this all down because it’s a process. Some days, I go back to being sad. But it’s only been a few times. One of those days were today. I’ve been sick for a while with a cough. I ran today, and felt terrible. I got home in the mindset that I was going to do terrible at my race tomorrow. I got extremely down on myself and all my positiveness, happiness, and hope went out the window. So I got a shower and went to bed. At 7pm. I was done. But guess what. It’s 9pm and I’m awake, and now I know. I’m going to do amazing tomorrow. I’m going to break my PR. I’m going to put this season to use. You know why?
Because I want this. This race is more than just a race to me. I’m done being negative. I’m done living my life for others, always being concerned for every single person but myself. Of course, I will still be concerned for others, but sometimes your own health and sanity needs to be looked upon first. I’m going to run a PR. not to impress, not for others, not even for my team.I’m going to run a PR for me, for God. I’m going to do this, and my outlook on life is going to get better. I am so blessed with beautiful friends, family, a home, more than I need.
If you read this, thanks for listening to my story. It was hard for me to write down, but I hope it helped someone in a similar situation.
today in study hall i fell asleep so someone slammed a book on the floor to wake me up and when i did everyone in the class was pretending to sleep and i didnt know what to do so i put my head back down and cried
Today my coach was sitting on a bench, drinking out of a gallon container of water.
No big deal.